took a step toward the noisy group of men on the train, just as one began to unbuckle his pants.
âHi! Can I sit down?â she recalls asking after a few tense moments. Her audience, a D.C. Metro car full of passengers, was rapt. Benner â unassuming in stature, in her mid-20s with naturally blonde hair and an 91´óÉń graduate â might have garnered the menâs attention if sheâd instead blown the whistle clipped to her backpack.
But, her soft words held their attention arguably better.
After a short exchange, sharing a laugh about turning their friend in, she drove her point home. “I have to tell you, as a woman, watching you make sexual gestures at someone out the window was very threatening to me.â
Simple words delivered genuinely are often the key to intervening in intense situations, area experts agree. Whether a parent is berating a child in the grocery store or the customer at the checkout is attacking the clerk, when is it right â or safe â to intervene?
Bystander roles
âBad things do happen,â says , Academic Director at 91´óÉńâs . âThings occur that are not healthy, but many people take a risk to say, âWe are a community; how can we be a better community?â â
He outlines four âbystander roles,â attributed to colleague Kaethe Weingarten:
1) You are a bystander who is oblivious to whatâs happening,
2) Youâre aware of whatâs happening, but donât know what to do,
3) Youâre aware, but intervene in an inappropriate way,
4) You feel confident enough under the circumstances to take potentially helpful action.
Frequently, Benner has crossed from passive to active roles (her spontaneous intervention experience includes stopping a bike theft, a man chasing a woman, breaking up a drunken fight and confronting a group of men when they harassed her friend), using techniques she has learned from Marty Langelan, a D.C.-based expert in the field of assault.
Langelan regularly teaches safety workshops at community organizations, including 91´óÉńâs , where Benner serves as assistant director.
The insecurity most onlookers feel in the face of wrongdoing often keeps them stuck at the second stage. âI go by my gut,â Langelan says. âTrust your instincts.â
She and Hart believe that bystanders themselves donât walk away from a violent situation unscathed. âThereâs the issue of how sickening it feels, inside, when we see an abusive situation, but feel helpless to stop it,â Langelan explains. âIn a very real sense, bystanders are harmed by seeing something wrong and doing nothing. Thatâs called a âmoral injury.â â
Even after standing up for others many times, Benner still regrets the times she froze. Recently, when a customer threatened a cashier, she felt helpless. âI wish I had called the police, or maybe asked him to repeat [himself],â she remembers.
âShock and shutdownâ is a normal first reaction, Langelan assures.
Hart agrees; itâs a matter of being prepared with the right responses, âlike anything in life,â he says.
Potential danger
After sitting in on several of Langelanâs workshops, Benner found herself mentally rehearsing crises, âforming neural pathways so theyâre there when I need them,â she says.
Which situation-appropriate actions was Benner preparing to take?
Hart and Langelan suggest that in potentially dangerous situations, simply creating a distraction can break the cycle of violence. This can be applied to situations involving harassment or physical violence.
Langelan calls it the âvoice of Godâ technique: a short, crisp command to stop, from a safe distance â she recommends at least 30 feet â that breaks their focus.
Hart recently used this approach right outside his office. When he saw a man viciously attacking another man, he thought, âThis is not good. I need to do something.â
As he exited the building, Hartâs mind was rapidly recalling prior training. He asked a coworker to call the police, then stepped outside.
From a distance, he commanded, âStop that, stop that!â he says. âIt was enough of a shocker to them that they both looked up, and ran off in different directions.â
âLeave your cape at home,â urges Langelan. Donât jump in the middle of violence to be a hero; even taking out your cell phone to snap a photo of the incident can be helpful to authorities. âThe privacy stops when the violence starts … itâs something that affects the whole community.â
Blurred lines
In less blatantly violent situations, such as verbal abuse or mistreatment, the lines between right and wrong can be blurry for a bystander.
Nearly everyone has encountered a similar situation: the exhausted parent doling out unduly harsh discipline, or the diner disrespecting waitstaff.
Hart lays out two options: interject directly, or distract and diffuse.
But first, assess. âWhen these things happen, everybodyâs emotional,â he notes. âYou are also impacted by the emotion … this is when a quick analysis can be done.â
He gives the example of a store clerk berated by a customer. Approaching the offender â whose own background carries reasons for the behavior â risks their turning on you.
The second option is to show the cashier concern and respect, acknowledging what just happened rather than turning a blind eye.
Drawing attention might seem embarrassing or feel outside of oneâs comfort zone, but when Benner merely made her presence known on the Metro, it opened an opportunity for real discussion. âThey looked sympathetic as they nodded and just let me talk,â she says.
Langelan says that non-judgmental approaches are key, with womenâs presence being especially dynamic-changing. âA woman who quietly walks up and says, âWhoa, whatâs the matter here? How can I help?â diffuses it just by her presence and body language.â
For her, seeing children being struck by parents especially hits home. She also considers public humiliation a form of violence.
âWhen kids get hit, itâs because the parent is out of control,â she says.
Interrupt the scenario with what she deems the âpraise the babyâ technique: in your most cheerful voice, compliment something visible about the child, such as, âWhat a cute toddler! Look at those sneakers!â
âIt penetrates all those emotionsâ the frazzled adult is feeling mid-breakdown, she says.
Drawing on surrounding witnesses is another option to distract and diffuse, says Hart. âAsk people around you, âHow can we help?â That may be embarrassing, but I donât think so. Most people would say a parent hurting a child or screaming at a child is wrong.â
Building safer communities
Although the streets of Harrisonburg are relatively tame, Hart, Langelan and Benner vouch for the universal value of communities where eyes and ears are open.
âViolence breaks the common bond of humanity,â Hart says. âItâs there for a reason. It happens because people have been violated themselves, in small and big ways.â
Langelan encourages more connections, especially with otherwise-overlooked members of society. âOne of the simplest ways to make any neighborhood safer is to talk to people on the street,â she says. âNodding, saying hello … it makes such a difference when people do start speaking up.â
As the train came to her stop that day, fellow passengers high-fived and thanked her for stepping in before the situation escalated.
âSometimes people advise me to stop intervening, because itâs putting myself in danger,â Benner says. âBut I feel like thatâs a pretty narrow view … Iâm not the center of the universe. If I encourage a culture of people speaking up for each other … then itâs a safer community for me, too.â
Courtesy Daily News Record, June 29, 2012
Great story, Sam! Thanks for making this useful techniques accessible to the wider Harrisonburg community.